5 Tips to Prevent Scarring Your Kids After Divorce!

 By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

Divorce need not wound and scar your children if you put their emotional and psychological needs first when making crucial decisions. Some parents don’t understand that every decision they make regarding their divorce will affect the well-being of their children in countless ways. The emotional scars are not only harder to see, they’re also much harder to erase.

Here are five keys to helping your children move through and thrive after divorce.

1)    Remind them this is not their fault.

Children tend to blame themselves for divorce, no matter how bad Mom and Dad’s relationship has been. The younger the child, the more likely this is so. Sit down together and talk to your children, emphasizing that they are in no way at fault. You can say something like: “Mom and Dad don’t agree about certain key issues and that has created conflict. Even when some of the issues are about you, it does not mean you are to blame. You are an innocent child who we both love. Sadly, Mom and Dad disagree about certain important issues — but not about our love for you. You are not in any way at fault.”

2)    Focus on change — not on blame.

Divorce is all about change within the family structure. Often those changes can be beneficial and create a more peaceful environment for your children. Never burden them with adult information and judgments. Focus instead on the fact that change is an inevitable part of life and not necessarily bad. Let your children see that everything in life keeps changing. “You grow bigger every year. Seasons change, clothing styles change, your school classes change. Sometimes it takes a while to get used to changes, like when you get a new teacher or try a new sport. In time you may come to like these new changes. Let’s give it a try.”

3)    Respect your child’s other parent.

When you belittle, put down or in any way disrespect your ex – regardless how justified it may feel – it hurts your children in deep and long-lasting ways. Children innately love both their parents and feel a connection to them. When you insult their other parent it creates confusion, guilt, sadness, insecurity and low self-esteem in your children. Instead, remind them that Mom and Dad will always be their parents and will always love them. No one will replace Mom or Dad either. “We will both always love you and be there for you, no matter where we live or how things should change.” Then strive to do the right thing on their behalf.

4)    Let your children continue to be children.

While it may sometimes be tempting, never confide adult content to your children. They are not psychologically prepared to handle the emotional complexity. Save venting for trusted friends, a divorce counselor or support group.  Also never ask your children to spy, act as messengers between both parents or provide inappropriate details about the other parent’s home life. Again, this pressure’s them in many ways – none of which are positive. It is not their place to assume adult responsibilities or help you to find evidence against your ex.

5)    Make decisions through the eyes of your child.

Before making any decisions regarding divorce issues, think about the consequences for your children. Ask yourself, what will they say to me about this when they are grown adults? Will they thank me for the way I handled the divorce – or be angry and resentful about my attitude and behavior? The choices you make will affect your children for years and decades to come. For their sake, take the high road and be a role model they will want to emulate.

                                                            *    *    *    *

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is the author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love!  Her innovative approach guides parents in creating a personal family storybook, using fill-in-the-blank templates, family history and photos, as an effective way to break the news with optimum results. For more information, free articles, free ezine and other valuable resources visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

 

© Rosalind Sedacca 2009 All rights reserved.

 

 

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9 Comments »

  1. I dont know If I said it already but …This blog rocks! I gotta say, that I read a lot of blogs on a daily basis and for the most part, people lack substance but, I just wanted to make a quick comment to say I’m glad I found your blog. Thanks, 🙂

    …..Frank Scurley

  2. Savannah said

    Awesome blog!

    I thought about starting my own blog too but I’m just too lazy so, I guess Ill just have to keep checking yours out.
    LOL,

  3. Many thanks for the encouraging comments! I appreciate your checking my blog out and will continue with more information. I have much to share and sincerely care about families coping with difficult divorce issues.

    Just know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Your children will grow up to thank you for taking the high road, being a role model of mature, compassionate behavior and for understanding the world from their perspective.

    Keep up your good work!

    For a free weekly ezine filled with more Child-Centered Divorce tips, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

    Sincerely,
    Rosalind

  4. 5 Easy ways a parent can stay in touch:

    There are several other good ways to stay close to your child besides, phone,e-mail and web-cams:

    Read Stories on CD: Read a story or book in your own voice. Buy your child a CD player that is age appropiate (consider earphones) It is an easy way for your child to hear your voice every day. You may also want to send your child the stories or books so your child can read along.

    Magazine subscriptions: Kids love getting mail addressed to them. There are many age appropiate magazines. When the magazine arrives your child thinks of you.

    Talk to the Teacher. You will feel much closer.

    Watch TV shows together. Find a TV show your child enjoys and “watch it together”. When you talk on the phone you have something in common to discuss. It may be a great ice-breaker.

    Collections: Start a collection that is unique to you and your child.

  5. Love your suggestions, Scott! The more options parents have, the easier it is to find your own path to sincere and meaningful communication on a long-term basis.

    Can I share your suggestions in one of my newsletter articles and other blog posts (giving you credit, of course)? I believe the more aware we become, the better parenting we can do, despite any challenges.

    Thanks again,
    Rosalind

    • Hi Rosalind! Thank you, and yes, go ahead and use my suggestions, I hope that can help someone keep a closer relationship with their kids.

  6. Well, its a nice piece of thought you shared with us. Love your thoughts, so important, thanks for this insightful post.

  7. Many thanks for your comment, Cory. It encourages me to write more — which I will do!

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